Undesirable

I've never been the object of attraction. I'm not pretty in the standard sense. My body flaws outweigh my body goods.

So you would think that rejection would hurt less. But it doesn't.

I'm not good at making or keeping friends. It is a common thing to have people move out of my life on a regular basis.

So you would think that rejection would hurt less. But it doesn't.

I don't know what I mourn for more - the loss of a potential friend or the pain of unrequited crush.

How could I have been so stupid?

Wounded Heart

Processing a lot of emotions today.London was last week, and was over far too soon. The play hit a lot of emotional strings. And top it off with finally realizing I had feelings for someone I cant even just hang out with. Then at the end of the day my car wouldn't start. Happy Monday.

Restaurant is closed

You don't get to ignore me physically, sex chat up another girl, and then roll over and expect me to put out. You want to send your sexts to someone else, have them put out, because I won't. Just because we're married doesn't mean I'm a fuck hole for you.

Sad

I've been really depressed lately, and in a bad luck rut i can't get out of. My mood has been low, and I don't want to do anything. I am worried, because everything seems to be going wrong. I can't seem to get enough sleep. And sleeping doesn't bring the release it used to.

Dear Younger Me

Baby Jessica,

You can't read yet, but I cannot contain my excitement for you. You are the sweetest baby girl I've ever seen, and I cannot wait to have you in my life. You are so loved, and so wanted. I promise you a life of happiness and learning. I promise you will try new things and make mistakes and accomplish much. I love you.

Always, Adult Jessica

(Done as part of therapy)

Tech Problems

I've noticed a trend with my SO - he buys an item or gadget on whim, with not much thought put into it. So far, we have a TV that is kind of low quality and a printer that has now broken after 10 months of little use. It's frustrating, because my money was involved on these purchases too. We have a PS4 e hardly use. He's bought a kindle, a wii, a tablet - all unused. Meanwhile, I still used the DS I bought ten years ago until I bought a 3DS for my Christmas present. I used my nook from 2010 until one of the buttons finally broke. When he bought the printer, it was a on the fly-no thought-online order that took forever to pick up in store; the order was sent to the wrong store. I know I should be grateful for his thoughtfulness ("She needs a printer RIGHT NOW to do job application stuff!") but at that time it actually prevented me from doing the thing I needed to do - print, sign, and scan back a job thing. And now it's broken, and by the looks of it this is a common problem for this model.

It doesn't help that I'm stressed by planning my first on my own trip. It's actually the first trip I've ever planned (our Hawaii trip had to be cancelled before the planning could begin.) It's a once in a lifetime trip, and this one day I'm printing things out for has a lot of pieces that could go wrong. What happens if my train ticket I bought 64 days early can't be printed at the station? What happens if they can't scan my phone - oh, and I'm in a completely different country and continent, so who knows if I can even pull it up in my email?)

I think I need to go away from tech the rest of the night. I can't handle another thing breaking on me.

Who am I?

I've been going to therapy for a few months now. I developed a lot of bad habits from things that happened in my childhood, and I've come to realize the person I've been all my life is only a shell of who I really am. So I have been exploring who the "real" me is.

And it's terrifying.

I'm getting pushback from people in my life because they know one version of me. I feel like a butterfly trapped halfway out of the cocoon. I'm pretty cool as is, but imagine what I'd be like if I could open my wings.

A part of me wishes I could explore this transformation in my own space, but sadly work and family make it impossible to disappear to the English countryside for a season.

Today is especially hard because I had such an amazing day yesterday, i was so confident and happy and free. Today, i feel weighed down by far and stress and the old me.

I wonder if I will ever become who I am inside (cue up the Milan soundtrack).